Sticks and oil

My friend Beard and I recently started dining at a fondue restaurant called Geja's. For some reason, even in my many years in Chicago, this establishment escaped my eating itinerary until recently. That's especially curious since it has a number of elements that I find particularly interesting: hot oil, skewers, meats, chocolate, onions, and an unhelpful waitstaff.

The last time we went to Geja's, our waiter was a cross between Danny DeVito and Tatu from Fantasy Island. He also sounded just like -- or was doing an impression of -- Truman Capote. I do have to give him credit, as he was able to put meat or veggies onto a skewer, dip them in cooking oil, stir the mix, and remove appropriately cooked food.

We were not able to come nearly as close.

At one point, while fishing for a potato in a vat of boiling oil, and simultaneously trying to remember if the cooking time for chicken was 2 or 3 minutes (it was 3), I realized that the table was too high. I couldn't get the proper angle to stir the pot effectively.

Beard was also having difficulty, too. We were a mess. I looked around the restaurant and no one else was even flinching. Apparently, they had either been instructed by someone who was willing to divulge a dipping secret OR we were monkeys in an experiment. At this point in our lives, calling us monkeys would be a compliment.

After ruining several skewers and eating some undercooked chicken, dessert came.

I LOVE DESSERT.

The chocolate fondue had a layer of alcohol on top that was lit on fire. We were given marshmallows and our waiter told us to cook them over the fire. Getting caught up in the moment, I interpreted his instructions as, "submerge the marshmallows in the chocolate with the alcohol-induced flame." This became a problem instantly, as the marshmallow caught on fire. Unfortunately, attempting to blow out the ignited marshmallow just spewed fire in Beard's direction. And in the direction of several other tables of people competently eating their dessert.

In addition to the ill-fated marshmallows, a couple of other dipping options were provided. Here's what doesn't taste good dipped in chocolate: chocolate covered pineapple; chocolate covered honeydew melon.

Finally, as oil seeped out of our pores and I lamented requesting additional pieces of pound cake (delicious), I flagged down the smartest looking waiter. He looked like Brian Bosworth, for those of you who remember "the Bos'."

I asked him if there were any stories of casualties or food mishaps and he got an idiot's grin and started nodding his head "yes."

He told us two stories:

1. Patrons sometimes think that the boiling oil is too hot and they pour ice water into it. If you've ever been in a chemistry lab OR a kitchen before, you know that oil and water don't mix. He said that when you pour ice water into boiling oil, the oil shoots up and sometimes touches the fringes of the curtains they have around the booths.

These fringes are highly flammable and tend to send a booth up in flames very quickly.

2. He then told us that a man brought his fiancée to Geja's to break up with her. Why someone would choose such a romantic restaurant to end a relationship deserved what happened next. The fiancée took a pot of boiling oil and threw it in the dude's face.

SHE THREW IT IN HIS FACE.

To give you some perspective, water boils at 100°C/212°F. Oil boils at 175°C /345°F.

The nature of our organic skin is that it's mainly hydrophobic (water repellent). This is why water doesn't seep into our pores and puff us up every time we jump in a pool.

There's an old adage, "like dissolves like." What this means is that inorganic solvents (like water) dissolve inorganic solutes. Organic solvents dissolve organic solutes.

This is why water and oil are immiscible.

However, our skin is organic, as is oil. This meant that at the moment the gentleman decided to break off his engagement during dinner, the delicate fabric covering his muscles, bones, tendons and organs was right next to something that could turn it to jelly.

Now that you've had the science lesson, here's where we left off: angry fiancée threw boiling oil in his face. It took him a 1/1000 of a second to close his eyes, and 1/100 of a second for his eyelids to burn like Napoleon's cock did when he had syphilis.

Then his face started to melt.

For a moment, I bet she wondered if she wasn't better off being single. Sure, planning the wedding had been fun, but there was something about her independence that was withering away. And as the cops were called she couldn't help but think that maybe this was a blessing in disguise.

Speaking of blessings, G-d bless the patron who tried to help the screaming now-single guy by throwing water in his face, subsequently igniting the curtains above their heads. Did anyone eating a plate of beef, chicken, and shellfish ever realize that they had walked into a veritable kill zone? Would that stop them from putting grapes into cheese during the appetizer portion?

Probably not.

All in all, the man had third degree burns over his face and neck and his ex-fiancée had an apartment full of engagement gifts that she probably got to keep.

I wonder if anyone gave them a fondue pot.