Personal space

The following is a letter to the individual who has the garage parking spot directly across from me. This is the same person who often uses the leftover space in his stall to park his genital-compensating Harley-Davidson motorcycle. Subsequently, due to matters of area and volume, his motorcycle is often half parked in my spot.

Dear Dickface,

Perhaps you think this is the parking lot at a high school football game, but brother, you need to step up the etiquette. I know you've got the cash and you want to flash it to all the ladies and I'm with you on that. As much I like mixing it up and getting loud, let it be known my voice is pretty soft right now. Please, Dickface, get out of my fucking spot.

We all know you're rich, with your Mercury Sable co-parked in your spot and your wife's Ford Escape in the adjacent one. We get it; you've been lucky in life. But maybe there was a time when you could only afford one spot for your three vehicles - I bet then you would have freaked out if someone moved in on your precious auto pen

Maybe you don't think too much of my Toyota. Maybe you don't care that I pay a lot to have that 50 square feet of concrete garage. Maybe your condo is just a weekend retreat for you and your wife? Maybe it's not even your wife. Maybe you're an alien or a centaur or a dragon.

I don't presume to know you, although I do presume you understand the idea of property boundaries. In my closet there are a bunch of guest sheets and pillows that would LOVE a new home. How about I wedge the bin in your front door? Would that be okay, Dickface?

The answer to that question is no. Let's make this work. I'm a lover not a fighter. But I will write an email to the condo association and cite all of the rules you are breaking: 1) having more than one vehicle in a parking spot; 2) using your spot for storage (I see the extra SUV seat you have against the support column); 3) being in another tenants fucking spot.

You want that unenforceable $25/day association penalty assessed on you? Do you, moneybags?

Chew on that.

Best,

Justin