Correspondence

My friend David got married in November of last. He's a great guy and deserves the best. With approximately 20 of his friends on the e-mail distribution list, round and round we went trying to schedule his bachelor party.

Below is a response note that I put together as party options started to take form.

A couple of explanations:

1. Foursight is a literary management firm run by several of my friend's college buddies. I love these guys.
2. Beacock is a person. Although, I don't even recall meeting him or being introduced to him at the wedding.
3. The three ideas for the bachelor party were: camping, a Los Angeles adventure, and a NYC/Atlantic City weekend. USC vs. Arizona was eventually chosen.
4. Guidry is the most amazing person you will never meet.

Here's the e-mail:

Dear Hand-job specialists,

Thanks for all the stunning commentary over the past few days, I’ve already created a folder on Microsoft Entourage titled “All talk, no balls.” For those of you who I know, I’m looking forward to passing out with you at the wedding. And everyone who I haven’t met ... some of you have email addresses that sound like STDs when spoken aloud.

Although I do applaud Waldman for copying email addresses into a mail client and pressing send, I take pause when I am reminded of the thousands of over-promised/under-delivered events he has coordinated (file under New Year’s Eve 2005, 2007). But at least he set the ground work for three almost unachievable ideas, if there was any rhyme-or-reason to his list, my face would have melted off.

I won’t even respond to the camping option. Who the fuck does anyone think they are that a group of Jewish men would EVER want to go camping. If I wanted to daisy chain ten other guys, I’d FedEX myself into a staff meeting at Foursight. Sorry, that was rude, I don’t even know those guys. I only know the list of girls they haven’t closed.

Los Angeles is close second to camping. What better city comes to mind when trying to plan a trip that involves drinking? What about Detroit, Houston, or any other city that doesn’t have a taxi system. Why don’t we just take turns driving up and down the 10 at rush hour? At least then we’ll be more likely to perish. Group transportation? If somehow we end up on a party bus, I will direct the homeless guy parading as a chauffer to drive us into the sea.

My vote is for NYC and its corollary of Atlantic City. There is no better place to invite the devil to ruin our lives. An experience so chthonic and hateful that when we escape from it (no more than 50% of us) there will be so much confusion we’ll have to run a slide-show at the rehearsal dinner just to explain it. Any place that has gambling, steaks, cigars, and tranny’s (I’m looking at you Beacock, whoever you are) has my vote. And if the evening ends WITHOUT a game of Russian Roulette, I will buy everyone a souvenir hat. That’s a promise. We start in NYC, limosuine to Atlantic City. We have such big balls that we don’t even book hotel rooms.

That’s my vote.

One final note. A few years ago Guidry told me about a girl he dated that was born without a vagina. She had no hole or clitoris, just skin. He said that she needed surgery to give her a hole so she could have sex. I was blown away. To be honest, I didn’t believe him, especially when Guidry said that when he went down, her new anatomy smelled like poop. This is not a joke.

Flash-forward to today. Below is a link to an article on this affliction.

http://www.medhelp.org/www/ais/articles/BORN.HTM

Looking forward to the celebration.

Best,

Justin

--end--